Wednesday, March 26, 2008

50 Facts About Albert Pujols

  1. Albert Pujols can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.... at night.
  2. Albert Pujols can slam a revolving door.
  3. "The World's Strongest Man Competition" has been renamed "The Albert Pujols Workout Hour."
  4. During the running of the bulls, the people run away from the bulls. A little known fact is that the bulls are running from Albert Pujols.
  5. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Albert Pujols out. It failed miserably.
  6. When Albert Pujols sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Albert Pujols has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  7. Albert Pujols can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Albert Pujols allows to live.
  9. Albert Pujols can make 30 minute brownies in 17 minutes.
  10. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Albert Pujols.
  11. There is a saying that claims, "You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip." That is true, you can't. Unless of course you’re Albert Pujols.
  12. Albert Pujols can teach old dogs new tricks.
  13. When you go to see a game Albert Pujols is playing in, you have to buy 2 sets of tickets; one for the baseball game and another for the gun show.
  14. There is no other intelligent life in the universe because intelligent life knows that would be far too close to Albert Pujols.
  15. Albert Pujols will never test positive for steroids. Steroids test positive for Albert Pujols.
  16. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Albert Pujols. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  17. It takes Albert Pujols 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  18. Albert Pujols counted to infinity....twice.
  19. When Albert Pujols pushes the snooze button on his alarm clock, the sun actually stays down for another ten minutes.
  20. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Albert Pujols.
  21. Google won't search for Albert Pujols because it knows you don't find Albert Pujols, he finds you.
  22. Albert Pujols can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  23. Albert Pujols destroyed the periodic table, because Albert Pujols only recognizes the element of surprise.
  24. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Albert Pujols a giant meteor.
  25. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Albert Pujols.
  26. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Albert Pujols. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  27. The average pitcher can throw a baseball about 90 mph…Albert Pujols can throw the average pitcher 90 mph.
  28. Albert Pujols was originally cast in the hit show 24, but had to be let go because he averaged saving the world in a mere 12 minutes and 47 seconds.
  29. If you spell Albert Pujols wrong on Google it doesn't say "Did you mean Albert Pujols?" It simply replies "Run while you still have the chance."
  30. Albert Pujols doesn’t play hide and seek; he plays HIDE AND PRAY HE DOESN”T FIND YOU!!!!
  31. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Albert Pujols killed the cat. Every single one of them.
  32. Albert Pujols was bitten by a rattlesnake once. After five days of intense pain and suffering…the snake died.
  33. Albert Pujols doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
  34. Pujols once hit a home run on a hit by pitch.
  35. Pujols is his own batting practice pitcher.
  36. Pujols can play all three outfield positions. At the same time.
  37. He did all the special effects in Transformers.
  38. Pujols once hit a ground rule double on a ground ball hit to the shortstop.
  39. When Albert Pujols does push-ups, he’s not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  40. Pujols does 500 push ups in between each inning. Then he works out a little bit.
  41. It’s been shown that Albert Pujols doesn’t ever actually hit a baseball. The ball flies away in fear before his bat makes contact.
  42. Albert Pujols can rip the NYC phone book in half. With one hand.
  43. Someone once told Albert Pujols that if he shaved his legs, he’d be able to run faster. St. Louis is still experiencing a shortage of razors, and Albert Pujols still has hair on his legs.
  44. Albert Pujols is currently under the impression that "Major League Baseball" is actually a slow-pitch softball league for his church.
  45. Some kids wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears #5 Albert Pujols pajamas.
  46. The Sherman tank was originally called the Pujols tank until Albert Pujols decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Albert Pujols, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been awesome enough to be named after Albert Pujols.
  47. The original plans for the atomic bomb were inspired by watching Albert Pujols taking batting practice.
  48. It is widely believed that Albert Pujols' tears cure cancer. This cannot be confirmed because Pujols has never cried.
  49. Albert Pujols is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  50. Faster than a speeding bullet? More powerful than a locomotive? Leaping tall buildings with a single bound? That is a description of Albert's warmup routine.


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Anonymous said... should sue. all you did was change the name to Pujols or Albert Pujols. Originality would be nice.